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Management Techniques of the Bottom 95% of U.S. Cor****ations
(idea) by Anml4ixoye 3 C!s Sun Mar 23 2003 at 2:48:47
The following techniques were written by Ross Lonstein nearly two
years ago.
He was rather unsatisfied at the time with his work. Those of us in
the
computer industry have probably seen plenty of these in our daily work
environments, and could better be titled Management Techniques NOT to
do.
Staffing
- Hire the best employees you can possibly afford then ignore their
input,
micro-manage them and second-guess their decisions.
- Recognize employees who develop new or extend existing skills by
putting
others in charge of related projects.
- Keep staffing levels critically low.
- Hire consultants to "relieve" the workload. Tem****ary employees do
not
raise head count and rumors of exorbitant hourly rates will engage
staff as
their new co-workers "come up to speed".
- Criticism must be public to be effective.
- Reward successful and overachieving employees with increased
workloads.
reduce the milieu of other staff accordingly.
- Reward poor employees, beyond keeping them on the payroll, by
offering
them the same education and advancement op****tunities as your stars.
- Choose your subordinate managers carefully. Skilled, savvy people
with
good interpersonal and organizational skills can threaten your
position;
never promote these employees and they will leave under their own
accord.
Cooperation
- Lay claim to areas serviced by other divisions and departments.
- Never give up something no matter how badly you're doing ("If you've
got
it, hold it!").
- Build dysfunctional teams by forcing motivated, knowledgeable
employees to
work closely with underachievers and the inept.
- Cultivate an adversarial relation****p to other departments and
divisions.
- Insist upon skill-sharing and cross-training without allocating time
or
reducing workloads.
- Encourage "round-table" discussions then dominate them and dismiss
disagreement.
- Break down social and personal barriers by intruding upon
unproductive
time such as trips to the restroom, meals, sleep and family visits.
Project Management
- Prioritize all tasks and projects equally.
- Delay action on major and minor projects then make snap decisions.
- Set arbitrary deadlines and stick to them.
- Keep "top level" information to yourself and deluge staffers with
innumerable details.
- Publish standard operating procedures that are neither standard nor
the
procedure.
- Define "cor****ate goals" near mid-year.
- Use your investment ****tfolio as a handy guide for decision making.
- Involve subordinates in the decision making process by having them
attend
a merry-go-round of unrelated meetings.
- Establish a cor****ate Project Management Office then ignore it.
Cor****ate Culture
- Maintain an atmosphere of crisis.
- Recognize best practices by ignoring them, they'll go away.
- Define "op****tunities" in terms of additional work.
- Require non-critical work to be performed after-hours, on weekends
and
over holidays.
- Stratify management and encourage bureaucracy.
- Create a "culture of meetings".
- Base critical decisions upon incomplete or inaccurate information.
- Encourage subcommitees.
- Embrace the status quo. Decay is preferable to change.
- Lavish praise on minor accomplishments.
- Buck the trend by curtailing perks.
- Silently live by the motto,"No policy is the best policy."
- Keep the rumor trade busy by not stating objectives.
- Publish costly, colorful, and content-free internal bulletins.
Reproduced with permission from Mr. Lonstein from
http://www.lonsteins.com/management_techniques.html.
Permission Email
from
Mr. Lonstein: "Sure keep a copy and display it. I appreciate that you
asked.
If you will indulge the vanity, I would like if you link back to my
site
(www.lonsteins.com) in the attribution." Permission was requested
using the
All-purpose, handy-dandy Copyright Release/Permission Request Form.
Hot dang! This thing's CST Approved!
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